Hopeless Packrat


I’ve worn the same massive winter coat for years. It’s a big goose-down, dark green Eddie Bauer hulk that weighs a ton. That’s especially true when I’ve jammed the coat’s many pockets with stuff.

Every once in a while, I can’t stand it any longer and I clean out the pockets. This occurs with the frequency of a solar eclipse. But today’s the day.

Here’s what I found: (Dumped on my desk, above)

16 HyVee receipts, some dating back to last winter. For instance, on Feb. 15, 2008, I bought Murphy’s Irish Stout, a bottle of tonic water and a bag of spinach. I don’t recall that recipe.

4 old grocery lists, two written on a Tinkerbell notepad.

14 other receipts, including Starbucks, Home Depot, Menards, True Value, Casey’s, multiple Guppy’s on the Go locations, assorted ATMs and Cyclone Liquors in Ames.

1 Dutch Boy Paint swatch, pink. “Little Princess.” Obviously not for my man cave.

1 preschool Christmas pageant program, holly green. They opened with “Deck the Halls.” Classic.

1 ticket stub from the Penn State-Iowa football game on Nov. 8. Priceless heirloom worth much more than the $3 off Riverside casino buffet coupon printed on the back.

1  book of matches from Casey’s.  “Convenience Costs No More!” it says. May have been used to light victory cigar after Penn State game. Can’t be sure.

1 pair of sunglasses in smash-resistant case.

1 crumpled piece of paper with the words to the Czech National Anthem. “In the gardens blooming flowers: All this paradise is ours.”

2 pens

1 spare key to my car

1 voice recorder

And last but not least, $14.49 Ka-ching.

I have now officially kept my New Year’s weight loss resolution. I lost five pounds without breaking a sweat. Congrats to me.



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2 responses to “Hopeless Packrat

  1. I mean… damn.

    Your coat is like my desk.

  2. JimD

    That’s awesome! In high school I wore a jean jacket that weighed slightly over 22 pounds at one point according to the gigant0-scale in the locker room. It had these huge inner pockets that held, among other things, a soldering iron, several spools of wire from discarded notebooks, and a number of other tools I found handy to have around.

    I’m guessing that in today’s high schools, I would most likely be taken in for questioning at some point.

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