I’ve joined The Headliners (team 1), the newsroom’s rec league softball juggernaut. Sunday was our first practice, the first time in several years I’ve worn a glove in combat and the first time I’ve rifled through the medicine cabinet looking for ibuprofen since snow-shoveling season. Based on my performance, here is my own clear-eyed preseason scouting report
Name: Todd Dorman
Nicknames: “Outfield In,” “Rally Killer” and “The Flailing Error”
Throws: With severe shoulder pain
Fielding: Very limited range, weak arm, wields his his glove like a useless flipper or a large smoked ham. High excuses to drops ratio.
Hitting: Swats at the ball with a mixture of rage and confusion. Coaches should consider deploying the “Dorman shift,” standing one fielder next to the pitcher to keep him/her company while everyone else grabs a hot dog and a cold one.
Intangibles: Opposable thumbs. Large ball cap collection. Will try to make up for his performance by buying everyone beer.