Scouting Report

I’ve joined The Headliners (team 1), the newsroom’s rec league softball juggernaut. Sunday was our first practice, the first time in several years I’ve worn a glove in combat and the first time I’ve rifled through the medicine cabinet looking for ibuprofen since snow-shoveling season. Based on my performance, here is my own clear-eyed preseason scouting report

Name: Todd Dorman

Position: Uneasy

Nicknames: “Outfield In,” “Rally Killer” and “The Flailing Error”

Bats: Desperately

Throws: With severe shoulder pain

Scouting Report

Fielding: Very limited range, weak arm, wields his his glove like a useless flipper or a large smoked ham. High excuses to drops ratio.

Hitting: Swats at the ball with a mixture of rage and confusion. Coaches should consider deploying the “Dorman shift,” standing one fielder next to the pitcher to keep him/her company while everyone else grabs a hot dog and a cold one.

Intangibles: Opposable thumbs. Large ball cap collection. Will try to make up for his performance by buying everyone beer.

Play Ball!



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10 responses to “Scouting Report

  1. Man, that was so funny I had a seizure.

    I just wish a coach or television announcer would say, “Yeah…but he’s got a lot of intangibles. Like opposable thumbs.”

  2. Darrell

    That was good…my wife calls this stage of my life “Captain America…the softball years”. I feel your (shoulder) pain.

  3. The last time I played softball, we voted the beer-purchaser MVP. Just saying.

  4. Diane

    The quality of play sounds strangely similar to my husband’s first street football game after years as a couch potato. He went out for his first pass, tripped over his own feet and fell against the curb. This required a trip to the E.R., a large medical bill, new “equipment” to hold his collar bone together and 6 weeks of “vacation time”. While you’re having fun, be careful out there.

  5. Jody Philipp (Olson)

    And this, with your father being a world class softball coach!

  6. Steve Ironsides

    Sounds like the days of IM. On the backfields of 30th Street. I remember those days well. Did we ever win?

  7. Esteban Ironsides

    Que lastima! El Dorman no es atletico.

  8. tdorman

    Yes, Steve, we did win one glorious, epic game, followed by quite a victory celebration. I awoke the next morning covered with paint, curiously the same shade that covered another frat’s decorative lions down the street, and wearing glasses with one lens missing. Memorable.

  9. Jacob Kopp

    Sounds like Todd will be buying a lot of beer!
    I can’t wait.

  10. Bill G.

    When I look at the picture that accompanies this website all I can think is, “Bill Hicks, are you still alive?”

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