Your driveway is full of snow.The sky is full of clouds. The newspaper is filled with downer headlines. It’s a cold time of trial and tribulation.
So it’s high time to call in my dear old friend, Dr. Compassion.
I’m handing over the rest of this column to Dr. Compassion, with hopes he can use his special therapeutic talents to help readers handle troubles big and small.
He listens. He cares.
(Warning – Dr. Compassion is not a real doctor, nor is he a licensed therapist.
In fact, he holds only an honorary doctorate from the Barbados Bartending Academy. And he won that in a poker game. But his price is right. Free.)
Dear Dr. Compassion, The State Patrol said our local highways were only “slightly moistened,” and yet I’m still sitting upside-down in the median. Is it something I did? Was it my upbringing?
Sincerely, Topsy Turvy in Toddville
Dear Topsy Turvy, Don’t blame yourself. Pop a soothing CD into your car stereo, maybe dolphin sounds, and wait for help. Make some herbal tea with melted snow. Next time, steer into the skid. Then steer into your driveway and park your car until May 1.
Dear Dr. Compassion, My wife left me. She claimed I spend all my quality time with my snowblower. Is it my fault ice keeps breaking the sheer bolts and the choke cable snapped and the tires went flat and the auger froze solid? Sure, she’s high maintenance, but she’s so hardworking and beautiful. And my wife’s real nice, too. Where did I go wrong?
Sincerely, Broken Down in Bertram.
Dear Broken Down, Why don’t you buy your wife a snowblower, too? Imagine passionately clearing that driveway side-by side, two-stage engines roaring in tandem, bodies encrusted head-to-toe in blown snow. Now that’s romance, fella.
Dear Dr. Compassion, I hrd lawmkers want to ban cell phn texting while drvng. No way): SSINF Im totally safe… OMG… a tree. SOS. Need DR, EMT, RN ASAP.
Sincerely, Texting in Traction.
Dear Texting, I hope the tree wasn’t injured.
Dear Dr. Compassion, I’m a smoker who works at the University of Iowa. Once they ban smoking on campus, I’m going to have to drive all the way to Coralville to enjoy a Camel. Have any suggestions?
Should I try to quit?
Sincerely, Coughing on Campus.
Dear Coughing, No way. You should buy one of those luxury skyboxes at Kinnick Stadium. You can do whatever you want in there.
Dear Dr. Compassion, Last year was so great, but this year stinks. Legislative leaders kicked my great can deposit idea, poked fun at my weight-loss challenge and badmouthed my budget. Now people say I shouldn’t have spent $90,000 on a big fun voter party, with cake and stuff, when I was secretary of state. What do they know? I’m the governor. How do I make them shut up and do it my way?
Sincerely, Ticked at Terrace Hill.
Dear Ticked, Sounds like someone needs a long winter’s nap.