Fan Mail Tuesday

Floyd Sandford was not a fan of today’s column (Which appears below his comment) Perhaps you’ll agree.

“Geez Mr. Dorman, just because you’re the replacement for Mike what’s-his-name, don’t feel that you have to write columns that are clonish substitutes.  In spite of what he likely thought, his columns were socially non-redeeming and not very funny either.  Why don’t you just declare yourself politically partisan .. and move on to other topics? Gazette readers hoping for substance instead of hackneyed fluff would appreciate it.  If you can’t figure out how to write columns that are intellectually challenging or socially useful, I encourage you to read some of the columns written by your colleague Linda Alexander.”

 

Iowa dramas would make great movie material

 

December is the month when moviemakers fill theaters with holiday blockbusters. Some get Oscar buzz. Some rake in mountains of cash. Some go straight to video. You can almost smell the synthetic butter-like substance.

It’s a month of Hollywood glamour. But there’s no reason left-coasters should get all the fun. Here are my submissions for movies that could be shot right here in Eastern Iowa, based on the real-life dramas. Some of the titles are partially stolen, but creativity only goes so far.

 

And if any big-time studio moguls are reading, have your people call my people. Let’s make it happen.

Here’s the list:

“Enchanted Legislature” (Fantasy) A dark, decades-old spell over the Iowa Legislature is broken, prompting legislators to join arm-in-arm to reform Iowa’s property tax structure and overhaul local government funding — just in time to save the Cedar Rapids Public Library from dire budget cuts. Dancing lawmakers ignore election-year politics, and a fire-breathing Christopher Rants, to save the day. Gov. Chet Culver rides to the bill-signing ceremony on a mystical unicorn. Rated PG (For unbelievable themes).

“The Blue Compass” (Science Fiction) Linn County Democrats use a special magical compass to redraw the county’s redistricting map, with the help of a Democratic secretary of state and attorney general. Rated R (For graphic cartography).

“The (Mall) Mist” (Horror) High-paid consultants battle a mysterious mist that has enveloped Westdale Mall, killing off half of its retail businesses. They conclude the mist could have a positive impact on growth. “At least now Westdale has something Coral Ridge doesn — a deadly multi-use mist,” the consultants declare before catching a flight back to Chicago. The city council enacts a moratorium on future mists, drizzles and fogs. The mist eventually leaves Westdale because there’s no food court. Rated R (For obscene fees, gratuitous mall walking).

“No Country for Fake Men” (Drama) Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee scores a stunning victory in the Iowa caucuses. He defeats Mitt Romney after the former Massachusetts governor turns in a poor showing at the Romney-Romney debates, where he is trounced by his 1994 self. Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani also falters when it’s disclosed that he used public dollars to bankroll secret weekend rendezvous with liberal activist judges. Always the droll quipster, Huckabee declares “I’m happier than Dick Cheney at a waterboarding festival.” Rated R (For full-frontal pandering, graphic finger-pointing).

“The Scream II” (Horror/Comedy) Four years after Howard Dean’s caucus collapse, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton lets loose a bone-chilling, paint-peeling and earsplitting scream after suffering an Iowa defeat that derails her once-invincible candidacy. “I’m gonna blame the media, and my advisors, and my husband and that Obama and aaaarrggghhh!” Her rage heightens when TV cameras find Bill Clinton at Barack Obama’s victory party. Rated PG (For flawed punditry, naughty language).

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Fan Mail Tuesday

  1. Dan

    Hey! “Clonish substitute” is an awesome monniker! It sounds vaguely European.

    Congratulations!

    Uh, what was the question?

    Oh yeah. Well, I laughed at the movies. I wish Hollywood would actually option a few of them: they’d be a jillion times more intriguing than anything that is out right now.

  2. Tom Fiegen

    Todd:

    Good stuff today!

  3. Ed T.

    Todd:

    I’m with Tom. I laughed, I cried, I almost died.

  4. Darrell

    I like “hackneyed fluff”. I’m going to put that on my Christmas tree this year!!

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