April 28, 2008...2:30 pm
Scouting Report
I’ve joined The Headliners (team 1), the newsroom’s rec league softball juggernaut. Sunday was our first practice, the first time in several years I’ve worn a glove in combat and the first time I’ve rifled through the medicine cabinet looking for ibuprofen since snow-shoveling season. Based on my performance, here is my own clear-eyed preseason scouting report
Name: Todd Dorman
Position: Uneasy
Nicknames: “Outfield In,” “Rally Killer” and “The Flailing Error”
Bats: Desperately
Throws: With severe shoulder pain
Scouting Report
Fielding: Very limited range, weak arm, wields his his glove like a useless flipper or a large smoked ham. High excuses to drops ratio.
Hitting: Swats at the ball with a mixture of rage and confusion. Coaches should consider deploying the “Dorman shift,” standing one fielder next to the pitcher to keep him/her company while everyone else grabs a hot dog and a cold one.
Intangibles: Opposable thumbs. Large ball cap collection. Will try to make up for his performance by buying everyone beer.
Play Ball!
10 Comments
April 28, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Man, that was so funny I had a seizure.
I just wish a coach or television announcer would say, “Yeah…but he’s got a lot of intangibles. Like opposable thumbs.”
April 28, 2008 at 4:51 pm
That was good…my wife calls this stage of my life “Captain America…the softball years”. I feel your (shoulder) pain.
April 28, 2008 at 6:35 pm
The last time I played softball, we voted the beer-purchaser MVP. Just saying.
April 28, 2008 at 6:42 pm
The quality of play sounds strangely similar to my husband’s first street football game after years as a couch potato. He went out for his first pass, tripped over his own feet and fell against the curb. This required a trip to the E.R., a large medical bill, new “equipment” to hold his collar bone together and 6 weeks of “vacation time”. While you’re having fun, be careful out there.
April 29, 2008 at 10:42 am
And this, with your father being a world class softball coach!
April 29, 2008 at 11:02 am
Sounds like the days of IM. On the backfields of 30th Street. I remember those days well. Did we ever win?
April 29, 2008 at 11:37 am
Que lastima! El Dorman no es atletico.
April 29, 2008 at 11:43 am
Yes, Steve, we did win one glorious, epic game, followed by quite a victory celebration. I awoke the next morning covered with paint, curiously the same shade that covered another frat’s decorative lions down the street, and wearing glasses with one lens missing. Memorable.
April 29, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Sounds like Todd will be buying a lot of beer!
I can’t wait.
April 29, 2008 at 4:57 pm
When I look at the picture that accompanies this website all I can think is, “Bill Hicks, are you still alive?”
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